Work Party: Dresscode - BizCaz

Awkers, it's been a while (by staind) since I've delved that deeply into the darkness. It's been a while since the curtain has dropped that hard, for that long. It's been a while since life's soundtrack has skipped that many measures.

Work parties are always a recipe for disaster and this was the whore-mother of all work parties. 2 floors of excess in the form of open bar, forced conversation, and live-band karaoke. Shit was BOUND to get O.O.C.

Let's back up for a moment. This was Cheat Day. Cheat Day resides on Friday for a reason. I'm usually still hung over from Thursday and I need a pile of greasy food to absorb the shock of the gallons of booze I consume on Friday night. So on this, my Cheat Day, I decided to consume a bagel with lite cream cheese and a salad. Wrong. Fucking. Move.

Cut to 1 hour (and four hard drinks) into the party. Things are already going hazy days on me. I'm already chatting with the other office gheys about which of the office professionals are the keutest. I'm already comparing tats with Dark-Hearted Annie-Lennox-Hair Girl and her friend. I'm already doing shots of non-clear booze (ugghh).

Some time during the blur of the rest of the party, I decided to go to my usual late night bar with Beardy Office Ghey and At First Seemed Lame But Turned Out Pretty Funny Once I Gave Her A Chance Straight Girl. I bought one drink there, took one sip, and then... [cue curtain of absolute blackness].

I awoke the next morning (and by morning, I mean 3pm) to discover a huge welt on my head and a huge cut on my hand. I had spent my entire Giftmas bonus, but I hadn't lost any credit cards / belongings (partial win?). A flurry of texting followed in which I tried to decipher what had gone down.

Beardy Office Ghey had scratches and bruises all over and a severely fucked up knee. Lame-Turned-Funny Straight Girl had a bruised hip and a sprained ankle. No one remembered what the fuck had happened.

Possible theories: (feel free to number by order of likelihood)
-We fell off the stage while trying to showcase some boss dance moves.
-We fought a roaming band of maladjusted trannies.
-We started an underdog street gang.
-We fell on the ice outside.
-We insulted one of the bouncers.
-We beat the shit out of each other.
-We had rough, rough sex with each other.

The decision is yours, awkers!
-Awkerday. Nite. Live.

Morning Realizations

Is that a Pop Rock stuck to my boot??
-Yes, yes it is.

Did I make out with Dark-Heart Door-Boy, Goth Internet Creepster, and Skinny [sometimes tranny] Door-Boy all at once??
-Yes, yes I did.

Did the ATM spit out too much money and did I subsequently invest that money directly into abusing my liver??
-Uggggggghhhhhhhh, yes.

Did I make out with Aesthetician Boy at the urinal whilst mid-pee [Ala Chest-Tat Boy]?? If so, does that make me a member of some kind of fringe sect of the Watersports community??
-Yes, and maybe.

Did I really go home with Goth Internet Creepster?? Was that reality or some kind of subconscious manifestation??
-...??

Did the clock really say 6am when I stumbled in the door??
-...??

Did I really have room temperature cajun food for breakfast??
-Uggggggghhhhhhhh, yes.


hung. over. as. i. type. this.
-awk. all. nite.

What Are YOU Thankful For??

This is a summary of being back in my city of origin for an extended weekend.


THANK YOU:

-Progressive Thanksgiving with the fam at an Indian restaurant
-Finding my old combat boots from grade school (they still fit!!)
-Discovering I'm back to my weight circa 9th grade
-Pet Shop Boys documentaries
-Gallons upon gallons of vodka-sodas
-Drunkenly packing a leather daddy cap (and wearing it out dancing)
-Youtube DJ/VJs at dive industrial bars
-Homemade dinner party with friends
-Skinny Puppy megamix CDs
-People I don't like that got fat


NO THANK YOU:

-Train delays
-Getting guilted into moving a full sized refrigerator for my dad
-Being confronted by the girl I lost my virginity to about coming out
-Gallons upon gallons of vodka-sodas
-Bars that close at 2am
-Bars that allow smoking
-Not a gay in sight
-Skinny Puppy megamix CDs that break in transit
-People I like that got fat


I bet the gym is going to be packed this week. Don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

-Nite. of. the. Living. Awk.