Awkward in a Strange City

Awkers, I come to you, having tasted the streets of another city. I've realized that people are the same everywhere. They're just more likely to be assholes if the temperature doesn't drop below 50 degrees all year round. Decided I'm never gonna live there, but here are some things that happened:

-One of the 3 gays at a lesbian night recruited his leslie friend to hit on me...

-Witnessed the patron saint of awkward, Alexis Arquette, sealing the deal at a hustler bar...

-The bartender at said hustler bar bought me a shot...

-Ate designer burgers (portabello & gruyere NOT mushroom & swiss) at a haunted hotel...

-Melrose Retail Girl didn't believe my waist size and made me try on larger jeans...

-In an act of defiance, I bought the tiniest pair of jeans I've ever owned...

-My cab driver said nothing to me except broken English and, "kraycee nite, ehhkk?"...

-One of the "hippest" clubs played no song more recent than 2 years old (lame)...

-The manager of said "hip" club bought me a shot...

-Watched an art-grind band play while a douchebag did live stencil art...

-Love-tapped by Lolita Sunglasses Bro and Shaved Head Fur Jacket Dude...

-Stalked by 2 tween lookin alt girls...

-Drank booze out of soda bottles on the bus line...

-Watched an alt-country band that erred a little too much on the side of country...

-Got eye-fucked by another set of tween girls inside a Burger King...

-Bought a killer pair of white chelsea boots...

-Got killer blisters from said chelsea boots...

-Served by Alt-Gay Waiter in a cafe whilst surrounded by off-duty gay porn stars...

-Got party pic'ed with a really salty look on my face...

-Overheard 2 Party Pic Photog Bros "talking shop" (lame)...

-Sang along to Misfits on the jukebox at a tiki-themed lounge...

-Served drinks by Gay Psych Patient from Dexter Season 1 (swoon!)...

-Dexter Bro bought me a shot (double swoon!)...

-Blacked out at trashy gay bar's "Show Your Dick Night"...

-May or may not have "Shown My Dick"...

-May or may not have made out with a stranger...

-Accidentally snuck into a coked out private party...

-Regained a small amount of appreciation for SNL by way of DVR recordings...

-A woman at an upscale glasses shop started talking to me as if I worked there...

-The actual glasses store worker had a total porn star name (Kandi Olive!)...

-Went Xtreme hiking through a canyon...

-Realized I was the only hiker in skinny jeans...

-Talked with my uncle, at length, about the best drugs at a dive juke-joint...

-Went to a weekly goth / industrial / fetish club night...

-Watched a [kinda] cheesy psychobilly band cover some Misfits songs...

-Winked at by Black Twink Rubberdaddy (whatta combo!)...

-Sat on a velvet couch while a couple got flogged to the beat of a Skinny Puppy song...

-Fedora Bartender Girl in velvet couch fetish room bought me a drink...

-Saw Awkward Mop of Braids Goth Guy from back home (guess he's multi-city)...

-Secured my spot in Hell (if I hadn't already)...

-Rolled out of bed to go to the airport...

-Saw a bunch of PLUR kidz traveling to or from some huge rave...


All of the above thoughts can be completed with one of the following fragments:

-...and all I got was this lousy tshirt.

-...and my brother was along for the whole ride.

-...and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

-...and it's all I've been thinking about since.

-...and I'll never be the same again.

-...and I secretly loved it.


Feel free to mix and match! That's all for now, Awkers! Srsly tho, good to be back.

-(s)He. shook. me. awk. nite. long.

Work Party: Dresscode - BizCaz

Awkers, it's been a while (by staind) since I've delved that deeply into the darkness. It's been a while since the curtain has dropped that hard, for that long. It's been a while since life's soundtrack has skipped that many measures.

Work parties are always a recipe for disaster and this was the whore-mother of all work parties. 2 floors of excess in the form of open bar, forced conversation, and live-band karaoke. Shit was BOUND to get O.O.C.

Let's back up for a moment. This was Cheat Day. Cheat Day resides on Friday for a reason. I'm usually still hung over from Thursday and I need a pile of greasy food to absorb the shock of the gallons of booze I consume on Friday night. So on this, my Cheat Day, I decided to consume a bagel with lite cream cheese and a salad. Wrong. Fucking. Move.

Cut to 1 hour (and four hard drinks) into the party. Things are already going hazy days on me. I'm already chatting with the other office gheys about which of the office professionals are the keutest. I'm already comparing tats with Dark-Hearted Annie-Lennox-Hair Girl and her friend. I'm already doing shots of non-clear booze (ugghh).

Some time during the blur of the rest of the party, I decided to go to my usual late night bar with Beardy Office Ghey and At First Seemed Lame But Turned Out Pretty Funny Once I Gave Her A Chance Straight Girl. I bought one drink there, took one sip, and then... [cue curtain of absolute blackness].

I awoke the next morning (and by morning, I mean 3pm) to discover a huge welt on my head and a huge cut on my hand. I had spent my entire Giftmas bonus, but I hadn't lost any credit cards / belongings (partial win?). A flurry of texting followed in which I tried to decipher what had gone down.

Beardy Office Ghey had scratches and bruises all over and a severely fucked up knee. Lame-Turned-Funny Straight Girl had a bruised hip and a sprained ankle. No one remembered what the fuck had happened.

Possible theories: (feel free to number by order of likelihood)
-We fell off the stage while trying to showcase some boss dance moves.
-We fought a roaming band of maladjusted trannies.
-We started an underdog street gang.
-We fell on the ice outside.
-We insulted one of the bouncers.
-We beat the shit out of each other.
-We had rough, rough sex with each other.

The decision is yours, awkers!
-Awkerday. Nite. Live.

Morning Realizations

Is that a Pop Rock stuck to my boot??
-Yes, yes it is.

Did I make out with Dark-Heart Door-Boy, Goth Internet Creepster, and Skinny [sometimes tranny] Door-Boy all at once??
-Yes, yes I did.

Did the ATM spit out too much money and did I subsequently invest that money directly into abusing my liver??
-Uggggggghhhhhhhh, yes.

Did I make out with Aesthetician Boy at the urinal whilst mid-pee [Ala Chest-Tat Boy]?? If so, does that make me a member of some kind of fringe sect of the Watersports community??
-Yes, and maybe.

Did I really go home with Goth Internet Creepster?? Was that reality or some kind of subconscious manifestation??
-...??

Did the clock really say 6am when I stumbled in the door??
-...??

Did I really have room temperature cajun food for breakfast??
-Uggggggghhhhhhhh, yes.


hung. over. as. i. type. this.
-awk. all. nite.

What Are YOU Thankful For??

This is a summary of being back in my city of origin for an extended weekend.


THANK YOU:

-Progressive Thanksgiving with the fam at an Indian restaurant
-Finding my old combat boots from grade school (they still fit!!)
-Discovering I'm back to my weight circa 9th grade
-Pet Shop Boys documentaries
-Gallons upon gallons of vodka-sodas
-Drunkenly packing a leather daddy cap (and wearing it out dancing)
-Youtube DJ/VJs at dive industrial bars
-Homemade dinner party with friends
-Skinny Puppy megamix CDs
-People I don't like that got fat


NO THANK YOU:

-Train delays
-Getting guilted into moving a full sized refrigerator for my dad
-Being confronted by the girl I lost my virginity to about coming out
-Gallons upon gallons of vodka-sodas
-Bars that close at 2am
-Bars that allow smoking
-Not a gay in sight
-Skinny Puppy megamix CDs that break in transit
-People I like that got fat


I bet the gym is going to be packed this week. Don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

-Nite. of. the. Living. Awk.

Letters to Internet Creepsters I & II

Me pretending not to see you. You pretending not to see me. Forcing a veil of cordiality as our mutual friends introduce us to each other for the first time again. You’re making eyes again. “You going to that one bar later?” The one we pretended not to see each other at last time? Yeah. Yeah, I’ll be there. I’ll see [through] you there.


I’ve been blacked out drunk for about half of the interactions that we’ve shared. Not sure if I’ve actually made out with you or if that’s part of a dream I had. I would like to. I’m glad you invited me over. Your friends are just as damaged as me. It’s been a while since I’ve come across an entirely new circle of people. It’s been a while since I’ve crowded at a mirror with 10 other people to do eyeliner. It’s been a while since I’ve come across a venue that will play the Cocteau Twins followed by the Presets without missing a beat. This [dark-hearted] Boy’s In Love (lust).


-Awk. Nites.

Letters to Hookups II: Chest Tat

Oh Dark-Hearted Chest-Tat Boy, why are you so complicated (by avril lavigne)?? You came on strong at first… “You’re coming home with me right?? Ok good [grabs dick].” Ur It-Girl friend took a keut pic of us each sucking on one of her nipples. Still remember the smell of ur room. Lube and poppers, poppers and lube. And then the dreaded Friend Territory [cue dissonant organ chord].

I had basically accepted the shift to friendship. Movie nights, platonic sleepovers, group brunches, Dairy Queen runs. Maybe it’s just the atmosophere at that one bar. Maybe it’s something in the water (or booze more likely). Every time our paths cross there, it’s all grabby grabby, kissy kissy, bathroom tryst-y. Gotta say, no one has ever walked up and made out with me whilst I was mid-pee at a urinal. Kinda hot tho.

But then, THEN you go and steal my signature move. “I’ll be right back.” And then you’re off into the night like what could have been. You’re probably a physical manifestation of karma for all the boys I’ve done that to.

Whatevvvvv. I’m in for the ride either way. Let’s start some trouble, make some mistakes, and not learn a fucking thing from them.

Ur Dark-Hearted Partner in Crime,
-Awkie Nightie

Stars Don't Lie

Sometimes the stars just align. Sometimes your favorite bodywash is on sale super cheap (I bought 3 bottles). Sometimes the lesbians with the best party favors seek you out at 4am straight dive bars.


For the most accurate reenactment, read the following at 8,000mph:

“Ohmigod you are so CUTE where are you from? Europe mostly? where does that jawline come from? Sweden maybe? seriously adorable, no, listen to me I’m a big fat fucking dyke, when a dyke says you’re hot it’s really fucking important, what sign are you? Aries? oooo bossy, no? not bossy? then you’re the other kind, sit around sponging in information about people until you can use it against them, stars don’t lie, do you play? because I have some nice toys, step into my office.”

[5 minutes later, in a women's bathroom stall]

“Are you ready for this? just a lil bump, a lil bumpity bump, do you like this spoon? I stole it from a tea shop, careful now this shit is straight outta Columbia, Columbian Gold, nice nice nice, you clear me, I clear you, ok girl tuck your dick, this is vag country.”

[holding my hand and walking me through a confused pack of women's bathroom inhabitants]

“Outta the way! just a couple of ladies coming through! make way for the V.I.P.”


Doesn’t get much more random than that.
-Awk Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiites.