Awkward in a Strange City

Awkers, I come to you, having tasted the streets of another city. I've realized that people are the same everywhere. They're just more likely to be assholes if the temperature doesn't drop below 50 degrees all year round. Decided I'm never gonna live there, but here are some things that happened:

-One of the 3 gays at a lesbian night recruited his leslie friend to hit on me...

-Witnessed the patron saint of awkward, Alexis Arquette, sealing the deal at a hustler bar...

-The bartender at said hustler bar bought me a shot...

-Ate designer burgers (portabello & gruyere NOT mushroom & swiss) at a haunted hotel...

-Melrose Retail Girl didn't believe my waist size and made me try on larger jeans...

-In an act of defiance, I bought the tiniest pair of jeans I've ever owned...

-My cab driver said nothing to me except broken English and, "kraycee nite, ehhkk?"...

-One of the "hippest" clubs played no song more recent than 2 years old (lame)...

-The manager of said "hip" club bought me a shot...

-Watched an art-grind band play while a douchebag did live stencil art...

-Love-tapped by Lolita Sunglasses Bro and Shaved Head Fur Jacket Dude...

-Stalked by 2 tween lookin alt girls...

-Drank booze out of soda bottles on the bus line...

-Watched an alt-country band that erred a little too much on the side of country...

-Got eye-fucked by another set of tween girls inside a Burger King...

-Bought a killer pair of white chelsea boots...

-Got killer blisters from said chelsea boots...

-Served by Alt-Gay Waiter in a cafe whilst surrounded by off-duty gay porn stars...

-Got party pic'ed with a really salty look on my face...

-Overheard 2 Party Pic Photog Bros "talking shop" (lame)...

-Sang along to Misfits on the jukebox at a tiki-themed lounge...

-Served drinks by Gay Psych Patient from Dexter Season 1 (swoon!)...

-Dexter Bro bought me a shot (double swoon!)...

-Blacked out at trashy gay bar's "Show Your Dick Night"...

-May or may not have "Shown My Dick"...

-May or may not have made out with a stranger...

-Accidentally snuck into a coked out private party...

-Regained a small amount of appreciation for SNL by way of DVR recordings...

-A woman at an upscale glasses shop started talking to me as if I worked there...

-The actual glasses store worker had a total porn star name (Kandi Olive!)...

-Went Xtreme hiking through a canyon...

-Realized I was the only hiker in skinny jeans...

-Talked with my uncle, at length, about the best drugs at a dive juke-joint...

-Went to a weekly goth / industrial / fetish club night...

-Watched a [kinda] cheesy psychobilly band cover some Misfits songs...

-Winked at by Black Twink Rubberdaddy (whatta combo!)...

-Sat on a velvet couch while a couple got flogged to the beat of a Skinny Puppy song...

-Fedora Bartender Girl in velvet couch fetish room bought me a drink...

-Saw Awkward Mop of Braids Goth Guy from back home (guess he's multi-city)...

-Secured my spot in Hell (if I hadn't already)...

-Rolled out of bed to go to the airport...

-Saw a bunch of PLUR kidz traveling to or from some huge rave...


All of the above thoughts can be completed with one of the following fragments:

-...and all I got was this lousy tshirt.

-...and my brother was along for the whole ride.

-...and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

-...and it's all I've been thinking about since.

-...and I'll never be the same again.

-...and I secretly loved it.


Feel free to mix and match! That's all for now, Awkers! Srsly tho, good to be back.

-(s)He. shook. me. awk. nite. long.