Awkward Nights

Rough Trade

2009-04-24T13:28:00.000-07:00

Awkers, will I ever have a healthy, normal relationship? Will I ever have a healhy, normal hookup? Or am I destined to have climb-the-fence, alley-behind-the-bar, rough-trade trysts until doomsday? Who am I kidding. What's normal anyways? A social construct based on outdated, Victorian-era morals; THAT's what.

I don't remember if I did all of my drugs or lost them.

I'm at work with the remnants of last night's makeup on.

I didn't even catch his first name.

I don't think I gave my real name.

I vaguely remember his friend standing by and watching.

Would I have it any other way?

-Awk.in.the.name.of.Love[Lust].

...think it o-o-over

Sibling Revalry

2009-04-03T12:40:00.000-07:00

When Siblings Attack! Both my brother and my sister visited in succession last weekend. And you better believe it got awkward.

BRO:
-Brought a gaggle of art students that varied greatly in their levels of acceptability.
-Blew Gay Art Dude's mind with the endless possibilities of the Gay District.
-Attended a mildly entertaining drag show at Recently Rennovated Bro-Gay Bar.
-Got everyone drunk until it was late enough to go to Late Night Bar.
-Got brother in free as my +1 (thanks Dark-Hearted Door Boy!).
-Brother got eyed up by Secret Bi Promoter.
-Gay Art Dude made out with the lamest guy to ever walk in the door.
-Art Student Gaggle slammed their way through the dance floor.
-Brother met multiple characters from this blog IRL (eek!).
-Closed out the bar, threw up a little, then accompanied Art Student Gaggle to their hotel.

SIS:
-Met up at my work where I made her read this blog.
-We both got eyed up by a very stylish (and very tweaked) girl on the subway.
-Prebarred and did makeup at my tiny closet-sized apartment.
-Trekked to Goth Internet Creepster's place for more prebarring.
-Ex Porn Star and Goatee Twink were there already faded.
-Cabbed it to Late Night Bar.
-Sister met multiple characters from this blog IRL (eek!).
-Told lots of strangers that me and my sister were twins.
-Used this line to get a Uncomfortably Straight-Laced Guy to buy her some dranks.
-Got pretty hazy days and danced the tranny dance.
-Sister lost coat check tag.
-Went to Late Night Diner where Uncomfortably Straight-Laced Guy had followed us.
-Sister proceeded to flash her switchblade to "send a message."
-Crashed on the floor of closet-sized apartment.
-Took sister to fav vegetarian cafe.
-Waiter kept calling sister "Miss Thang."
-Killed time until the sun went down (fuck the sun, srsly).
-Prebarred and did makeup and took pictures in closet-sized apartment.
-Cabbed it to a monthly kinda-gothy upscale club night with DL mixed drinks in hand.
-Got party pic'ed jumping up and down.
-Started some social experiments by way of eye-fucking as many people possible.
-Drank DL mixed drinks perhaps a little too openly.
-Sister lost coat check tag.
-Cabbed it to Upscale Hipster Bar where Chest-Tat Boy was bartending.
-Bought mediocre blow from Chest-Tat Boy.
-More social experiment eye-fucking.
-Cabbed it to Late Night Goth Bar.
-Got WAY hazy days and did some bathroom blow bumps.
-EVEN MORE social experiment eye-fucking.

All in all it was a whirlwind of a weekend. Until next time, Awkers.
-in.the.name.of.the.Awky.Spirit.

Bonus text message between me and bro:
"Holy shit I can't feel my teeth!"
"Holy shit where are my pupils!?"

Awkward in a Strange City II

2009-03-26T12:51:00.000-07:00

Awkers, I come to you once again having tasted the streets of a strange city. Twas actually last weekend, but I've been too burnt out and frazzled to put fingers to keys until now.

There were two occasions for the visit. One to visit my dear friend who may or may not be the awkward female equivalent of myself. Two to go to my gender activist acquaintence's drag / genderfuck / gender terrorism warehouse night. And I suppose I did have a third motive of avoiding a boy that has been sweating me (so sue me).

On the bus ride there, an 80 or so year old woman sat next to me for the majority. That's all fine and well except I was texting people about the drag night and gay bars and other dregs of society as she read over my shoulder and scowled disapprovingly. I mean lady, you're on a greyhound bus! Get over it! When I wasn't next to Grandma Hate, I was next to Greaseball Bro who was on his way from Florida (Hell on Earth). Direct quote:

"What are you listening to guy?"
-The Presets. 2 Australian guys doing kinda dark dancey stuff.
"Are the words in Australian?"
-...No. ...English.
"Oh, right, American version."

So despite my brush with humanity, I arrived (physically) unscathed. Equally Awkward Girl and I got our drink on and our dress on and our makeup on in preparation for the drag night. The theme was technodrome and I kind of went all out, complete with huge lensless sunglasses made to look like goggles.

Between her house and the warehouse we stopped off at a bar to visit Equally Awkward Girl's sister. I stuck out like a sore thumb in my makeup and attire but no one seemed to mention anything. Her sister actually said, "Oh, I just thought that was your new look."

By the time we actually arrived at the warehouse, that familiar haze had set in. I realized I had taken my look a little farther than most of the people there, but not quite as far as the performers - a middle ground that I was satisfied straddling. Everyone was O.O.C. in the best way possible. I drank vodka soda out of a plastic bottle. Lights flashed. Music pumped. Bodies writhed. Sweat dripped. Equally Awkward Girl peed in the parking lot in front of basically everyone.

At some point we decided it would be a good idea to go to Coke Bro's house for afterbar (excellent decision). The resulting mayhem was a rager dance party that lasted into the wee hours. Doing blow through a vietnamese hundred dollar bill off of an antique mirror while ELO blasts on a record player really makes you feel alive.

The next morning (afternoon) I walked around a bit to get some local flavor. Got heckled by some porch sitters ("Why don't you buy some tighter jeans?!"). Did some window shopping. Did some shopping shopping (black silk skinny tie!). Then Eq Awk Girl got off work and ready for night two (via leftover vodka soda).

It's possible that we may have taken the pre-drinking a little too far. The fog was settling in as we arrived at a bonfire / yard beer scavanger hunt. As things got more sloppy, we decided it would be a good idea to take a cab to the gay bars (excellent decision). Here are the flashes:

-Platform danced with a 400lb woman and a leather bear.
-Drank a very large and very unnecessary shot of peppermint schnapps.
-Got intensely hit on by Fat Plaid Door Guy.
-Jumped on a bed... in the middle of a bar.
-May or may not have entered a secret porn bar through the men's bathroom.

I woke up shiverring violently, lying on the pool table in the basement of the party we had started out at.

-Awk.like.no.one.is.watching.

Overlapping Reentry Stamps

2009-03-13T12:26:00.000-07:00

...all over my hands. The sign of a hungover Friday at work. Actually, I'm not hungover per se, more like stale. Last night was all kinds of fucked up.

Started at goth bar with Goth Internet Creepster and his fag hag for her birthday. The place was all pale skin and level zero blonde and hip bones and cold stares and drawn in eyebrows and fat girls in lowtop chucks. Goth Internet Creepster had me handing out flyers for his night. I gave them exclusively to boys I wanted to make out with and girls with good bangs.

You know when girls are forced to dress really professionally for work so when they get a chance to go out they take their style just a little bit too far? I have coined that slightly "off" look Girls' Night Out Syndrome. The worst offender (sufferer?) of the Syndrome I've seen in a long time trapped me in a corner and tried to hit on me. I pulled the "Sorry, I'm gay" escape. Really, what I wanted to say was, "Sorry, I'm gay. But even if I were straight, your accessories are ugly."

Goth Fag Hag got SPECTACULARLY drunk, perhaps due to a questionable drink handed to her by Slimey European DJ Guy (who is married by the way). She ended up puking in the bathroom with a stranger holding back her lone black braid. STRANGER DANGER! Maybe that's why she was dragged out by security moments later. And maybe that's why Goth Internet Creepster almost got in a fight with another Girls' Night Out Syndrome sufferer. And maybe that's why my goth club experience was cut short once again.

One awkward cab ride later and I was back at my usual late night bar. Things were in full swing and I had some catching up to do. Alt Thai Lesbian was already making out with Good Bangs Electro DJ Girl (who is married by the way). Tiny Promoter Lesbian was already falling over drunk. Dreadlocked Promoter Lesbian was already LIT UP. Doppleganger Boy was already giving deadly stares to the boys "beneath" him (maybe we have more in common than looks).

And catch up I did.

There's an unexplained, uneaten mini pizza in my fridge.

-Girls'.awk.Nite.Out

P.S. This happened a couple weeks ago, but it's practically the quote of the century. [in the bathroom of late night bar, a redhead girl approaches me while I'm at the urinal] "You look like the kind of boy that wants to get raped by a redheaded girl!"

A New Look

2009-02-26T19:07:00.000-08:00

The time has come, Awkers! I finally added pictures to all of the posts! Shitty MS Paint pictures! Is this a ploy to get you to reread previous posts and forget about the fact that I haven't updated much lately? You bet! What more can you ask of me than my honesty!?

In other news, the internet creepsters have been all up in my biz lately! I was just starting to hang out with Myspace Internet Creepster and his circle of friends when he goes and ruins it all by asking me on a date. It's pretty common knowledge that I DO NOT date, go on dates, enter relationships, or any of the like. So I did what any other awkward soul would do and ignored the email. Going out to the same place as him tonight, so we'll see how that goes!

Last night I went to see Goth Internet Creepster's DJ set at a new night he's trying to create with his friends. The crowd was divided into two camps. Those with G.I.C. and those with the other DJ who we shall call Stick Thin Goth. The bar was basically split down the middle like an abortion clinic protest. OF COURSE I was the one that got drunk enough to cross over into S.T.G. territory and mix things up. OF COURSE this resulted with more drinking until suddenly I woke up at home the next day with a GIRL's phone number in my pocket and a massive headache. Not sure if I even WANT to investigate what I did/said.

Enjoy the pix d00dz!
-Awk.Nite 3.0

I Have a Headache Part II

2009-02-13T13:23:00.001-08:00

SO.... the scare was just a scare. Take THAT Dr. Stereotype M.D.!!! But that didn't stop me from imbibing enough booze and coke to qualify last night as a last hoorah just in case.

AND.... now i have a last hoorah hangover headache for no reason.

Cest la Vie! (is that how you spell that? i don't speak the language of Freedom Haters)

Now this page can go back to lacking the gravity and social relevance that yall TV babies detest so much.

I hope yall learn a lesson and wrap your reckless abandon in lubricated latex.

-Knights.of.the.Awk.Table

I Have a Headache

2009-02-09T13:58:00.000-08:00

Awkers, I WAS going to do the same old and recount the [unofficially extended] weekend's debauchery and mayhem via [marginally] witty banter and Overly-Long-Hyphenated-Nicknames. THEN my evil fucking vindictive doctor decides to throw me a motherfucking fuck shit fuck fuck AIDS scare.

"You prefer men? Well you have had this cough for a while. Now that I know about this persuasion, I'm really thinking we should do an HIV test."

Yes, you read correctly... PERSUASION. WTF! Because Straighty-Vanilla-McGee discovers I'm a 'mo, HIV just HAS to be the reason her PHD can't pinpoint why I'm coughing. I [probably] should just relax because it's [hopefully] pretty unlikely. But. this. will. never. stop. being. scary.

WELL.... I'll know at the end of the week, so here are some life questions that I was pondering previously anyways:

-Will I ever fully put myself out there with a creative project; be it music, clothing, or film?
-Will I ever enter a monogamous relationship (or a relationship at all for that matter)?
-Will I ever let any one person know all of my darkest secrets?
-Will I ever stop moving around and changing cities?
-Will anything ever really be enough?
-Will I ever "settle down?"
-Will I ever get over my body image issues?
-Will I ever reach a kind of cult fame?
-Will I ever strike a blow at mediocrity and mainstreamedness?
-Will Fred Phelps die before the end of the world?
-Will there be dinosaur clones before the end of the world?
-Will there be dinosaur clones with mounted cannons before the end of the world?
-Will I ever find the perfect drug?
-Will I hum The Perfect Drug to myself if/when I do?

Mix and Match Answers:
-Gosh, I hope not!
-Pshhhhhhhhhh. You know how I do, son!
-FUCK YES!
-FUCK NO!
-who cares...
-Better believe it!
-Signs point to no.

FTW.2012.GFTD (get faded til doomsday)
-awk.daze

EDIT: I DO NOT want to talk about this.

Awkward in a Strange City

2009-01-21T19:20:00.000-08:00

Awkers, I come to you, having tasted the streets of another city. I've realized that people are the same everywhere. They're just more likely to be assholes if the temperature doesn't drop below 50 degrees all year round. Decided I'm never gonna live there, but here are some things that happened:

-One of the 3 gays at a lesbian night recruited his leslie friend to hit on me...

-Witnessed the patron saint of awkward, Alexis Arquette, sealing the deal at a hustler bar...

-The bartender at said hustler bar bought me a shot...

-Ate designer burgers (portabello & gruyere NOT mushroom & swiss) at a haunted hotel...

-Melrose Retail Girl didn't believe my waist size and made me try on larger jeans...

-In an act of defiance, I bought the tiniest pair of jeans I've ever owned...

-My cab driver said nothing to me except broken English and, "kraycee nite, ehhkk?"...

-One of the "hippest" clubs played no song more recent than 2 years old (lame)...

-The manager of said "hip" club bought me a shot...

-Watched an art-grind band play while a douchebag did live stencil art...

-Love-tapped by Lolita Sunglasses Bro and Shaved Head Fur Jacket Dude...

-Stalked by 2 tween lookin alt girls...

-Drank booze out of soda bottles on the bus line...

-Watched an alt-country band that erred a little too much on the side of country...

-Got eye-fucked by another set of tween girls inside a Burger King...

-Bought a killer pair of white chelsea boots...

-Got killer blisters from said chelsea boots...

-Served by Alt-Gay Waiter in a cafe whilst surrounded by off-duty gay porn stars...

-Got party pic'ed with a really salty look on my face...

-Overheard 2 Party Pic Photog Bros "talking shop" (lame)...

-Sang along to Misfits on the jukebox at a tiki-themed lounge...

-Served drinks by Gay Psych Patient from Dexter Season 1 (swoon!)...

-Dexter Bro bought me a shot (double swoon!)...

-Blacked out at trashy gay bar's "Show Your Dick Night"...

-May or may not have "Shown My Dick"...

-May or may not have made out with a stranger...

-Accidentally snuck into a coked out private party...

-Regained a small amount of appreciation for SNL by way of DVR recordings...

-A woman at an upscale glasses shop started talking to me as if I worked there...

-The actual glasses store worker had a total porn star name (Kandi Olive!)...

-Went Xtreme hiking through a canyon...

-Realized I was the only hiker in skinny jeans...

-Talked with my uncle, at length, about the best drugs at a dive juke-joint...

-Went to a weekly goth / industrial / fetish club night...

-Watched a [kinda] cheesy psychobilly band cover some Misfits songs...

-Winked at by Black Twink Rubberdaddy (whatta combo!)...

-Sat on a velvet couch while a couple got flogged to the beat of a Skinny Puppy song...

-Fedora Bartender Girl in velvet couch fetish room bought me a drink...

-Saw Awkward Mop of Braids Goth Guy from back home (guess he's multi-city)...

-Secured my spot in Hell (if I hadn't already)...

-Rolled out of bed to go to the airport...

-Saw a bunch of PLUR kidz traveling to or from some huge rave...

All of the above thoughts can be completed with one of the following fragments:

-...and all I got was this lousy tshirt.

-...and my brother was along for the whole ride.

-...and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

-...and it's all I've been thinking about since.

-...and I'll never be the same again.

-...and I secretly loved it.

Feel free to mix and match! That's all for now, Awkers! Srsly tho, good to be back.

-(s)He. shook. me. awk. nite. long.

Work Party: Dresscode - BizCaz

2008-12-22T14:42:00.000-08:00

Awkers, it's been a while (by staind) since I've delved that deeply into the darkness. It's been a while since the curtain has dropped that hard, for that long. It's been a while since life's soundtrack has skipped that many measures.

Work parties are always a recipe for disaster and this was the whore-mother of all work parties. 2 floors of excess in the form of open bar, forced conversation, and live-band karaoke. Shit was BOUND to get O.O.C.

Let's back up for a moment. This was Cheat Day. Cheat Day resides on Friday for a reason. I'm usually still hung over from Thursday and I need a pile of greasy food to absorb the shock of the gallons of booze I consume on Friday night. So on this, my Cheat Day, I decided to consume a bagel with lite cream cheese and a salad. Wrong. Fucking. Move.

Cut to 1 hour (and four hard drinks) into the party. Things are already going hazy days on me. I'm already chatting with the other office gheys about which of the office professionals are the keutest. I'm already comparing tats with Dark-Hearted Annie-Lennox-Hair Girl and her friend. I'm already doing shots of non-clear booze (ugghh).

Some time during the blur of the rest of the party, I decided to go to my usual late night bar with Beardy Office Ghey and At First Seemed Lame But Turned Out Pretty Funny Once I Gave Her A Chance Straight Girl. I bought one drink there, took one sip, and then... [cue curtain of absolute blackness].

I awoke the next morning (and by morning, I mean 3pm) to discover a huge welt on my head and a huge cut on my hand. I had spent my entire Giftmas bonus, but I hadn't lost any credit cards / belongings (partial win?). A flurry of texting followed in which I tried to decipher what had gone down.

Beardy Office Ghey had scratches and bruises all over and a severely fucked up knee. Lame-Turned-Funny Straight Girl had a bruised hip and a sprained ankle. No one remembered what the fuck had happened.

Possible theories: (feel free to number by order of likelihood)
-We fell off the stage while trying to showcase some boss dance moves.
-We fought a roaming band of maladjusted trannies.
-We started an underdog street gang.
-We fell on the ice outside.
-We insulted one of the bouncers.
-We beat the shit out of each other.
-We had rough, rough sex with each other.

The decision is yours, awkers!
-Awkerday. Nite. Live.

Morning Realizations

2008-12-05T12:48:00.000-08:00

Is that a Pop Rock stuck to my boot??
-Yes, yes it is.

Did I make out with Dark-Heart Door-Boy, Goth Internet Creepster, and Skinny [sometimes tranny] Door-Boy all at once??
-Yes, yes I did.

Did the ATM spit out too much money and did I subsequently invest that money directly into abusing my liver??
-Uggggggghhhhhhhh, yes.

Did I make out with Aesthetician Boy at the urinal whilst mid-pee [Ala Chest-Tat Boy]?? If so, does that make me a member of some kind of fringe sect of the Watersports community??
-Yes, and maybe.

Did I really go home with Goth Internet Creepster?? Was that reality or some kind of subconscious manifestation??
-...??

Did the clock really say 6am when I stumbled in the door??
-...??

Did I really have room temperature cajun food for breakfast??
-Uggggggghhhhhhhh, yes.

hung. over. as. i. type. this.
-awk. all. nite.

What Are YOU Thankful For??

2008-12-01T13:35:00.000-08:00

This is a summary of being back in my city of origin for an extended weekend.

THANK YOU:

-Progressive Thanksgiving with the fam at an Indian restaurant
-Finding my old combat boots from grade school (they still fit!!)
-Discovering I'm back to my weight circa 9th grade
-Pet Shop Boys documentaries
-Gallons upon gallons of vodka-sodas
-Drunkenly packing a leather daddy cap (and wearing it out dancing)
-Youtube DJ/VJs at dive industrial bars
-Homemade dinner party with friends
-Skinny Puppy megamix CDs
-People I don't like that got fat

NO THANK YOU:

-Train delays
-Getting guilted into moving a full sized refrigerator for my dad
-Being confronted by the girl I lost my virginity to about coming out
-Gallons upon gallons of vodka-sodas
-Bars that close at 2am
-Bars that allow smoking
-Not a gay in sight
-Skinny Puppy megamix CDs that break in transit
-People I like that got fat

I bet the gym is going to be packed this week. Don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

-Nite. of. the. Living. Awk.

Letters to Internet Creepsters I & II

2008-11-24T17:03:00.000-08:00

Me pretending not to see you. You pretending not to see me. Forcing a veil of cordiality as our mutual friends introduce us to each other for the first time again. You’re making eyes again. “You going to that one bar later?” The one we pretended not to see each other at last time? Yeah. Yeah, I’ll be there. I’ll see [through] you there.

I’ve been blacked out drunk for about half of the interactions that we’ve shared. Not sure if I’ve actually made out with you or if that’s part of a dream I had. I would like to. I’m glad you invited me over. Your friends are just as damaged as me. It’s been a while since I’ve come across an entirely new circle of people. It’s been a while since I’ve crowded at a mirror with 10 other people to do eyeliner. It’s been a while since I’ve come across a venue that will play the Cocteau Twins followed by the Presets without missing a beat. This [dark-hearted] Boy’s In Love (lust).

-Awk. Nites.

Letters to Hookups II: Chest Tat

2008-11-24T16:56:00.000-08:00

Oh Dark-Hearted Chest-Tat Boy, why are you so complicated (by avril lavigne)?? You came on strong at first… “You’re coming home with me right?? Ok good [grabs dick].” Ur It-Girl friend took a keut pic of us each sucking on one of her nipples. Still remember the smell of ur room. Lube and poppers, poppers and lube. And then the dreaded Friend Territory [cue dissonant organ chord].

I had basically accepted the shift to friendship. Movie nights, platonic sleepovers, group brunches, Dairy Queen runs. Maybe it’s just the atmosophere at that one bar. Maybe it’s something in the water (or booze more likely). Every time our paths cross there, it’s all grabby grabby, kissy kissy, bathroom tryst-y. Gotta say, no one has ever walked up and made out with me whilst I was mid-pee at a urinal. Kinda hot tho.

But then, THEN you go and steal my signature move. “I’ll be right back.” And then you’re off into the night like what could have been. You’re probably a physical manifestation of karma for all the boys I’ve done that to.

Whatevvvvv. I’m in for the ride either way. Let’s start some trouble, make some mistakes, and not learn a fucking thing from them.

Ur Dark-Hearted Partner in Crime,
-Awkie Nightie

Stars Don't Lie

2008-11-24T16:46:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the stars just align. Sometimes your favorite bodywash is on sale super cheap (I bought 3 bottles). Sometimes the lesbians with the best party favors seek you out at 4am straight dive bars.

For the most accurate reenactment, read the following at 8,000mph:

“Ohmigod you are so CUTE where are you from? Europe mostly? where does that jawline come from? Sweden maybe? seriously adorable, no, listen to me I’m a big fat fucking dyke, when a dyke says you’re hot it’s really fucking important, what sign are you? Aries? oooo bossy, no? not bossy? then you’re the other kind, sit around sponging in information about people until you can use it against them, stars don’t lie, do you play? because I have some nice toys, step into my office.”

[5 minutes later, in a women's bathroom stall]

“Are you ready for this? just a lil bump, a lil bumpity bump, do you like this spoon? I stole it from a tea shop, careful now this shit is straight outta Columbia, Columbian Gold, nice nice nice, you clear me, I clear you, ok girl tuck your dick, this is vag country.”

[holding my hand and walking me through a confused pack of women's bathroom inhabitants]

“Outta the way! just a couple of ladies coming through! make way for the V.I.P.”

Doesn’t get much more random than that.
-Awk Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiites.

Zombies and Rubber and Trannies, Oh My!

2008-11-24T16:32:00.000-08:00

Bruce LaBruce, bless your dear heart! Only you could combine the elements of gay porn, zombie horror, comedy, and political commentary into one film. Such was the occassion for me donning zombie makeup and venturing out into a cold Sunday night for flesh-eating debauchery.

Started at a friend’s house for makeup and primping. Walked over to the theatre and got a lil boozey while mingling with other gay zombies. The event started with a horror punk band with an utterly adorable female singer in a pink latex nurse’s uniform. Her lyrics were fucking hilarious, including such gems as, “Every time I cum I vomit.” The film was everything I expected and more. The finale was a writhing zombie orgy of pale bodies covered in blood-lube. My friend couldn’t stay out any later, but I was done-up so I decided to hit up some drinking establishments of ill-repute.

At the first stop, I unexpectedly had a bunch of drinks bought for me and danced with a bunch of trannies. This place was kind of my old stomping ground so I kept getting these weird, knowing stares from guys. Did I make out with them? Did I get drunk and take my clothes off last time I was here? Maybe both. Anyways, it was weirding me out so I decided to leave that shark tank for another. This is where shit got craycee…

Not only were there a bunch of dark-hearted gay zombies milling about, it was ALSO International Male Rubber night. If you don’t know what that means, just picture a bunch of guys in skin-tight fetish costumes comprised entirely of latex. I was getting pretty O.O.C. by this point, so let me share the glimpses that stand out from the fog.
-Extended crotch grab from a tranny named Paris and her two male cohorts.
-Caressed lube over the costume of a particularly fit rubberman.
-Received a scalp massage from two dark-hearted goth-gays.
-Became entangled in the middle of an end-of-the-night dance train with a slew of dark-hearts donning various amounts of latex.
-Confronted by various internet creepsters I.R.L. (eek!!).

This, Awkers, is just a peek into my Sunday evening. I’m sure I’ll recall more highlights as my hangover wears off, but jeez! You kids don’t need to know everything! I have to retain SOME degree of mystery (ha!).

-Awk.Nites 2.0

Halloween!

2008-11-24T15:55:00.000-08:00

Awkers- I’m not going to make any promises… but it appears the hiatus may be over. I was burnt out on these drunken ramblings. That is… until a weekend… SO awkward… I had to write about it. That’s right. HALLOWEEN!!

Halloween has long been an important part of my life. Me being a dark-hearted, maladjusted queer with a closet full of craycee clothes. This would indeed be a Halloween to reckon. My first in this fair city I now call home.

Awkers, awkers, how do I convey these events to you, my loyal readers? As I remember them? (a drunken blur; snapshots of moments that may or may not have actually occurred). As I’ve been told by others? (a mess of round after round of shots) As documented by party pix? (making out with lesbians… again). Let’s take a somewhat novel approach and go costume by costume. You see, I wore a total of 3 costumes this year (perhaps to make up for being a zebra for 2 years in a row prior).

Night One: Dexter (the serial killer, not the cartoon).
Got myself all did-up and started the night with a particularly stiff pre-bar libation (this always turns out bad). I tell myself it’s to save money… but really I end up spending the same amount at the bar and just blacking out.
I remember taking tons of pictures syringing people in the neck (ala Dexter) which actually turned out to be a great way to hit on boys. From what I can recall, I made out with an alt mummy (via chewing gum handoff) and a goth drag nurse. Photo evidence would suggest I made out with some of my leslie friends (via XTRM drunken confusion).
The night steadily became a haze until I woke up next to an empty box of frozen White Castle burgers. OH NO!! Alas, it was technically my cheat day by then, so it’s all good.

Night Two: Leather Bear.
I had a concept for my leather bear costume in the back of my head, but waited until the last second to implement it. Maybe that’s why I had to cut the ears off of a teddy bear and sew them onto a shoelace during the last hour of work.
Ok, I’m not one for vanity, but I LOOKED FUCKING ADORABLE. Trolling my way up and down Fag Ave (you know the one). Did a repeat makeout with goth drag nurse (boo repeat costume). Met up with gay, Asian Jesus. Eye-fucked our way through some bar lines. Got my buzz on in a hurry. Then I saw the bartender I made out with a couple months ago at industrial night. He DEF didn’t look as good as I remembered, so I had to duck out of there.
Decided to meet my Thai leslie friend at the leslie bar to formulate a plan for the impending after-bar hours. Thai leslie and her friends/coworkers were there in full force. Her friend that regularly hits on me was courting a sugar daddy (a tragic one at that). Got a lil buzzier and decided to migrate to a late night bar (via cab financed by sugar daddy).
Drank mad booze financed by sugar daddy, danced into the night, then played truth or dare in a restaurant with some new friends.

Night Three: Eurotrash Vampire.
Eurotrash vampire was a last second costume concept that came together surprisingly well. Gathered the clothes and accessories and brought them to college friend’s house to do pre-bar and makeup. She was a Glam Witch (cute, right?). Then we hit the town.
Most of the bars were boring (or we were the only ones dressed up) so we decided to head straight to the late night bar. This is probably where I went wrong. The curtain of blackness dropped just after I saw the dark-hearted, chest-tat boy I hooked up with (on poppers) one week prior.

COMPLETE BLACKNESS

The Morning After
I woke up face down in my bed, wearing jeans and clutching my phone. What happened? Where am I? Did I do coke? I am MINUS a jacket, a cameo ring, and my dignity. I am PLUS some mystery bruises and a brutal hangover. I realize my phone is beeping with a text from dark-hearted, chest-tat boy. Reply: “hell fucking yes i want pancakes.”
So over breakfast (at 2pm) I find out that ALLEGEDLY…
-I bought round after round of whiskey shots
-I fell into/onto a car outside
-I puked on a welcome mat
-I initiated an impromptu dance party at an apartment
-I disappeared out the door of said apartment randomly
-Yes, I did do coke

It has now been 3 days since Halloween weekend and I am still discovering things I allegedly did/said through pictures, texts, and myspace messages/friend requests. Do I even have to say it, awkers?

I’M STILL AWKWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Benefits of Coming Out to Your Parents

2008-11-24T15:54:00.000-08:00

Awkers, everybody will have the opportunity to come out at some point in their lives. Whether you’re a ghey, a furry, a comic book enthusiast, or someone who appreciates the band Metro Station on an entirely non-ironic level. You will be presented with a choice. Do I hide my secret, or do I let it out. I SAY LET IT OUT! Get it off your chest. You’ll feel instantly better.

Some people, like your parents, might not understand at first. It will be difficult for a while, but believe me there are long term benefits to coming out. It’s been a few years for me and I’m just starting to see some of the advantages. By my experience, if your parents are anything like mine, here’s what you can hope to expect…

After you come out to your parents:
Your mom will try to hook you up with her hairdresser, then her sister’s hairdresser.
Your dad will inappropriately reappropriate the word “fag” in drunken conversations.
Your mom will take it upon herself to cage dance with a tranny when you take her to a gay bar.
Your dad will start watching Project Runway and talking to you about it, a LOT.
Your mom will use correct pronouns when describing to her friends the time you took her to a trashy drag revue.
Your dad will accompany you to your favorite dive bear bar.
Your dad will take his shirt off at said bear bar to get you half-priced drinks.
Your mom will invite you to girls’ nights out to scope guys at martini bars.
Etc.

Awkers, parents can be surprising. Don’t underestimate their ability to cope/grow.
-Awk.nites

WHY

2008-11-24T15:52:00.001-08:00

Last night’s events have led me to ask a lot of “why” questions:

WHY did I ride in a limo to trashy dollar drink nights ?
WHY did I make out with more lesbians than dudes ?
WHY did he wear those stupid boots ?
(more importantly) WHY did he leave the tag on them ?
WHY did I do so many peppermint schnapps shots ?
WHY did she give me a lapdance in the limo ?
WHY did I think a late night bar was a good idea ?
WHY did I pit previous hookup and potential hookup against each other ?
WHY did my flight reflex kick in moments before possible bathroom hookup ?
WHY did I think late night food was a good idea ?
WHY did I watch so much of Norbit before turning it off ?
WHY did that ginger on the train this morning get “LIFE” and “PAIN” knuck-tats ?
WHY are we here on this earth ??????????

Answer: Because I’M AWKWARD

Peace(love.awkers.respect)4LyfePartners
-Awkie Nites

Nicotine & Nostalgia

2008-11-24T15:47:00.000-08:00

I’ve never smoked a cigarette in my life. Still the taste of unfiltered camels remind me of that first boy. He looked like a Tom of Finland drawing crossed with a bike kid. Haha, kind of biker meets biker. So in the spirit of nostalgia, here’s a look back at some of my most awkward nights of all time…

The first blowjob I ever gave was to one of my best friends. He was so drunk that he didn’t remember it happening the next day. I chose to pretend it didn’t happen. To this day I’m not sure if he knows. Recently he said, “I’m surprised we never ended up hooking up considering how drunk we used to get.”

I’ve only met the second guy I slept with twice. Once at a Rupaul underwear concert during Pride. I was wearing blue sparkly manties and made out with him briefly. The second time was about a year later. I woke up in the bed next to him after having blacked out at the bar the night before. I still don’t know his first name.

Meeting someone new when you thought you knew your entire city: refreshing.
That person trying to force their way onto you in their shitty car: scary.
That same person getting fired a month later for doing the same thing to a coworker: priceless.

I saw them strip at a bar. Then happened upon them on the dance floor at a different place later that night. They were already shirtless. They took off my shirt as I approached. I was embarrassed. They were clearly in better shape. Oh well, seems like I passed the test considering the frankness of their hands and lips.
“We’re going back to my place to watch my porn. You coming?”
Oh, did you just get a new vid or something?
“No, MY porn. My debut scene.”

Marinate on that Awkers.
-Awkie Nites

Don't Worry, I'm Still Awkward!

2008-11-24T15:44:00.001-08:00

Well it seems someone is reading this drivel! Believe it or not I’ve had multiple requests to get back at the keyboard and spill my guts. Fine by me!

Awkers, I completely forgot to tell you about my recent trip to my most favorite goth/industrial/dive bar! Every time I go, without fail, I see new mutations of gothitude I hadn’t previously thought possible. Some examples? Yes please.

Goth Cowboy , Goth Geisha (Gothsha?), Mod Goth, Sailor [Moon] Goth, [Mad] Scientist Goth, Raver Goth (Graver?), ETC, ETC

I appreciate the goth movement’s ability to shapeshift through the years and keep itself… relevant. Feel free to request future shades of goth in the comments section. I have some ideas myself…

Michael Jackson Goth (in Current, Early Years, and Zombie flavors), Goth Deer Hunter, Office Goth, Goth on Family Vacation Forced to Wear Waterpark’s Oversized Promotional Tshirt Goth, Courtney Love.

Show some love (and/or hate) in the comments, Awkers!
-Peace! (Love.Unity.Respect.), Awkward Nights

Letters to Hookups: Where Did You Come From?

2008-11-24T15:42:00.000-08:00

Is what you kept asking. That and, “Are you sure about this?” Come on guy. You’re a pity fuck. Show some bravado. Assert yourself. Make up for your physical shortcomings.

Like those thighs! How do only your thighs get chubby? How does that happen? I. don’t. understand. your. body. type.

Probably the most interesting part of the whole ordeal was when your roommate accidentally walked in. Srsly, what kind of roommate just opens a closed bedroom door and walks in at 4am? She’s probably used to eating tubs of icecream with you and watching Sex and the City dvds on Saturday nights.

In closing, all of the above is probably sufficient explanation for why I ran out of your house while you were in the bathroom.

Heartz,
-Awkward Nights

Pride Part Deux

2008-11-24T15:40:00.000-08:00

In the words of Cristina Monet, “My sheets are stained/ So is my brain/ What’s a girl to do?”

Srsly Awkers, how am I still alive? By all logic and reason, I should be face down in a gutter covered in glitter and KY jelly. Instead I woke up face down in my bed …. covered in glitter …. and KY jelly.

I’m SO glad I did not wake up in time to ride on the parade float. 5 hours of sporadic rain? Count me out! Though it was highly entertaining to watch the beautifully done-up drag queens turn into wet rats. Their formerly precise makeup becoming a watercolor of gender confusion.

Speaking of confusion. I saw so many questionably of-age exposed private bits. Belonging to a plethora of genders and gender expressions. I swear, if those bumps on her areolas were brail, they’d say, “Caution: JAILBAIT!”

In other news, how is this blog going for you readers out there? How do you feel about being called Awkers? Should I figure out how to post pictures? Should I capitalize less? Capitalize MORE? I want this to be an interactive experience.

PLUR 4ever

Special Pride Edition!

2008-11-24T15:32:00.000-08:00

What am I supposed to take pride in? The excessive amount of booze and/or drugs I take in? The excessive amount of anonymous sex I take part in? Whatever excess it takes, let’s get this going!

I bought a new pair of shoes. And tested them out by dance battling one of my danciest lesbians. We both got hit on mid-battle.

The dj I brought home a couple weeks ago invited me to be on his bar’s float at the pride parade. Is this an empty gesture? Will he follow through? Is there a reason I accompanied a soggy asian gay girl through the McDonald’s drive-thru at 5:30am?

In any case, stay tuned for Awkward Nights: Pride Part Deux

Lesbians and Eggplant

2008-11-24T15:28:00.000-08:00

Have you ever eaten too much right before you go out? And you feel like some kind of landlocked orca? No matter how many times you get hit on, you still feel huge. Too. Much. Eggplant. Parmesan. Srsly.

Why do I only meet lesbians when I go out? Do I look like a lesbian? Will I appear on this list
someday: http://menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com? Are butch lesbians the new twink?

Maybe I should just go straight. Buy a pair of pastel plaid bro-shorts, a Hollister shirt, and go see Austin Powers 3.5: The Spy Who Love Guru‘ed. What kind of future does this life hold for me????

Laterz!

Welcome

2008-11-24T15:26:00.000-08:00

Why the fuck did I start this “weblog?”

1. As a tool to help my booze-addled brain remember what I did the night previous?
2. To waste time at work.
3. Does it really matter? I’ll probably give up after a few days.
4. To become a minor blog celebrity that daily gets an inbox full of n00dz from fanboys.

Whatever. It’s open to interpretation. Welcome to Awkward Nights.

*Edit: Probably number 4.